What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Childbirth is so beautiful
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.