@imdaintyaf

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

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@KateWouldHaveIt

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

@MrMichaelSpicer

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

@CandyEmpires

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.