What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.


Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.


Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.


If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.


I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.


At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.


Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.


I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.


Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.