What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
*jingles half the way*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar