What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I triple waxed for this?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.