What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
A roof is a house hat.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.