What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
😂😂😂
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.