If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
So, can we agree on 4 or
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.