@MarcusCVance

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

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@markleggett

COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.

@damagedave

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

@YukioExo

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

@errdayhustlah

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

@IchBin_Rob

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

@ADHDeanASL

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it