What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.


You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……


Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat


Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.


The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.


When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.


I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.


What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare


Just hired 2 private detectives to follow each other. I’ll keep you guys posted.