What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner