@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

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@SortaBad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

@ShivangiJha08

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

@Tmoney68

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@WilliamAder

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

@katiedippold

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

@man_spach

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

@WhatTheFFacts

Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.

@P_o_n_k

BURGLAR: Look at all these pizza boxes. He must eat it every day.

ME (hiding in closet): Yeah, or maybe he threw a cool party with friends.

@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!