what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
The point of your 20s
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The internet is full of many things
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.