“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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Awesome parenting 😂
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.