@DanMentos

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

- @DanMentos

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One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.

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“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

@Jarhead44

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

@Mikecanrant

1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D

2) Put them on your mantle

3) Invite dad over

4) Become favorite son

@stephenjmolloy

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

@MouthOfSass

Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.

@Epygma

[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy