“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.