What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.