@JuliePee

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

You Might Also Like

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

@bencoffeehall

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@Roxtalled

Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.

@sandjoeman

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

@thatUPSdude

HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!

@RoastedPapad

2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.