What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.