What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Always a metermaid never a meter
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.