What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.