Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
a god among men
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes