What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo