@Angibangie

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

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@perlhack

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

@theshamingofjay

A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

@djdavemichaels

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

@TheAlexP

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.