What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker