Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?
Me: The audacity.
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
This kid will have a bright future.
the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days
cop arresting me: i don’t care
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever