(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?
Me: The audacity.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.
“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.
Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?