I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome