@Odiegirl9

What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?

Me: The audacity.

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@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

@notviking

the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days

cop arresting me: i don’t care

@Dank_Pal

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@ilovepie84

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever