what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Trumpy Cat
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no