Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.