What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
my dog when i have a friend over
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
crying
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has