“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Rooting for the overdog
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
listen closely
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…