What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
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This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Worth a try
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Not messing around
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)