@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

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@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

@WookieOnUnicorn

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

@paulg

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

@Gupton68

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

@theroyaltramp

IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

@cdncyn

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
Priceless