What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
🤣✨#caturday
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no