What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
You Might Also Like
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”