What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
That’s classic.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.