What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.