What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
5 ways to appear taller
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.