I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
This took me a second..
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this