What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.