What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.