Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

learning about math 🧐 📝

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?