What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂