What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me, in DM rooms…
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?