I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!