what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Think I pulled my liver
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.