What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
don’t be scared
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner