@ericONEderful

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

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@Jen_says_nah

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@TheHyyyype

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

@Dmvm1977

OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance?

Its been 16hrs.. I didn’t wanna make a fuss.

@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@AmishPornStar1

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@markydoodoo

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.