What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

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i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade


Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.


Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.


My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.


There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.


A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.


Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing