@ericONEderful

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

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@gossiped

i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade

@dubiousrhetoric

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@LeonEarlgrey

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

@lmegordon

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@GoldenSpirals

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@rebrafsim

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing