My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance?
Its been 16hrs.. I didn’t wanna make a fuss.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.