What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.