Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota