@kimlockhartga

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

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@TheMichaelRock

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

@GrantTanaka

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

@asanders1972

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

@Social_Mime

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

@XplodingUnicorn

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@doll_partzz

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you