News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
You Might Also Like
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you