*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
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New Tinder profile.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.