“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
You Might Also Like
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
What an awful time to have common sense.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.