Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

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Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth


I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe


“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks


Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


*First Date*

Her: Hobbies?

*thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I’m building*

Me: Architecture and Astronomy.

Her: Impressive.


Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?


It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.


TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff