Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.