“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
The dark side of Canada
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
True?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….