“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.