What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?

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Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.


Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone


soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah


What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?


*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*


Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …


Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?


Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.


REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.