If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
yeah not falling for this one
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Admin smashed it 😂
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days