WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting