What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.


Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.


Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.


One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”


I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..


Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.


Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look


Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.