What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me adding lol on a serious message
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky