What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose