@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

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@MinedOvaMatter

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

@nevernicethings

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

@esuwalker

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch

@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?

@ceejoyner

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.