What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.