I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?
~Conversations I have with my couch
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Cats being cats.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.