What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
oppen heimer style lol
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else